Lately, it feels like I’ve been working, sleeping, eating, and occasionally hanging out with friends. I haven’t been streaming much, so sorry about that. I feel kind of guilty about it, yet at the same time it would feel like a lie if I said I have been trying to stream. I enjoy the simplicity and routine in what I’ve been having. Although I’ve also had bursts of intuition and inspiration about people; the world. I’ve been making more mental notes about people and their behaviors. It’s nothing damning, and nothing I would ever use against them. It’s small things, like how long some people look at me versus where their attention is. I find it so fascinating. I don’t mean this in a ranting or annoyed manner, either! It’s like I play a role, more dominant and confident in speaking with people, and they (generally) treat me differently than those when I play a more submissive role. Logically, that’s not a difficult leap. Nothing special there.
I’ll just give subtle signs of anxiety or nervousness, and people double-check their receipts more often, or the bag after I’ve given them their food. In all circumstances, I make eye contact, and speak clearly/confidently. But my eyes, the only real emotional tool they can see of me, is a big indicator.
Now, I’ve had a lot more people recently who’ve been on my mind. Not really sure why to be honest. But they give extended stares. It’s more than just studying me, or ‘looking into my soul’. Their eyes don’t roam over me creepily or with judgement. They simply stare into my eyes. Unblinking. Challengingly. If we were cats, growls and puffed fur would be in order. But being humans, I maintain eye contact. Mostly out of curiosity, to see why they feel the need to look at me for so long. But there a part of me that’s certainly unwilling to back down and submit like a true servant. I feel like I have the self confidence and self respect to hold myself higher than that. I refuse to give any weight or territory to the belief I’m not worth decency.
The fun and easy customers are just that. I feel myself getting wittier every day, I enjoy cracking jokes with my co-workers, and I feel like I’ve been less judgmental about people, which is something I’ve really been trying to draw attention to in myself. I don’t like talking about people like that, even if I’ll likely never see that person ever again. I’ve been finding humor in the interactions and it’s been easier to not attribute someone to their actions.
With that being said, I do still feel like I hold an above average intelligence with a lot of things, socially in particular. I may not be a master in public speaking on a stage, but when I’m alone with someone, it feels like I need very little time to read them and can change my presence on a dime. Between cars, I greet someone in the window, and instinctively match their own vibe. Young, old, gay, straight, black, white, it doesn’t seem to matter. I even manage to crack into the people who show up and make it very clear they have no interest in being friendly. With most people, I’ve been able to display empathy or share a paragraph in their story.
That also gets me into some pretty deep conversations with my regulars and semi-regulars. I’ve had several people spend their precious moments with me as a mini-therapist or friend. A confidant, if you will. Their family member recently deceased. Befallen on hard times. You’re always a welcome smile.
I don’t think I’ve heard anyone describe me as being ‘chipper’ more than I have in the last year I’ve worked here. I don’t find it difficult to be all smiles, either. Occasional migraines be willing. It’s just one of the many hypocrisies of my life. Because while I’m not depressed or sad at any solid level of my life, I also understand myself to know that it’s an embellishment of who I am.
It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at someone and understood them. I mean sat down, and opened myself up to them and discussed the difficult things in life. The dark, the misunderstood, the vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing sympathy and offering condolences to people. The draining part is having to prioritize work and the new knowledge that someone just told me a major life incident happened to them. I feel like I make the right decision in the moment, but I do feel downtrodden knowing that I’ve never been able to share a similar or even an honest conversation of how I feel to the workers when I’m the consumer. I don’t recommend emotionally dumping your laundry onto someone, period. It’s a double-standard.
Yet, at the same time, I’m just a teensy bit sad I can’t remember the last time I interacted with a person like how I act when I’m working. If that makes sense. Also, please don’t stare at people. It’s rude. A surprising amount of people fail to understand how uncomfortable it makes people, especially to someone who’s preparing food. Blink every few seconds, for crying out loud.
Hannah-radical 