As much as I hate confrontation, I find it fascinating. Knowing that certain words, ideas, can upset or make someone lose their temper is just interesting.
Myself, for example, am no exception to this. I’m not quick-to-anger, and I can take a lot before I lose my shit. It’s when I do that can be very bad. Particularly, because I’m so in-tuned with how people are around me, that I know what buttons to push to make them mad. Now, I don’t do that, let me be clear. But knowing that can be a curse when I get my own core values stepped on.
If I’m conceding, I’m not going to shut up, I’m going to admit fault; not cower from the person I’m disagreeing with. I might be thinking about how to say something so I’m not making my point sound groundless. I might be considering whether some argument of mine isn’t worth the trouble to bring up at a certain time. I might be holding my tongue from saying something childish or out of emotional lashing.
Okay, that was a big mini-rant. Some context about that is, I just got out of an argument with Chris about Toby and the groceries. Chris’s position on the matter, is that Toby needs to be part of the family and we all need to go grocery shopping. Mine is that Toby doesn’t. Chris has said he doesn’t feel like Toby contributes as much with putting the dishes away, or other house-hold chores, so he wants to make Toby go shopping.
Now, I agree, Toby could be more involved with cooking dinner, or helping with trash, or whatever, but let’s step back from that argument and look at this from Toby’s perspective. Toby’s a full-time student, he goes to la-cross practice for 2.5 hours 3 times a week, and he’s 18. He sleeps longer, and he’s still contributing when asked. He does the dishes when it’s his turn, he does what he’s told. He might need to be told a couple of times before he remembers it’s his turn, but he still does it. To me, it’s not a big enough issue to warrant him having to go to the store with Chris and I when I already know what he’ll say when we get there. We’ll ask what he wants, and he’ll shrug and go with anything. He asks before putting things in the cart, if he wants something, and he’s always willing to compromise when I or Chris explain why it might not be a good idea. That’s it. So, when we’re at the store, there’s no real need for him to be there. If he wanted to be there, that’d be fine, go for it, it’s an extra pair of hands. But I know, and Chris knows, that Toby doesn’t want to be there. He could be at home doing something more productive with his time. Or playing video games. He’s still only 18, I’m fine with him enjoying his Friday.
So, I stood up for Toby. I told Chris that I didn’t think he has to go; he doesn’t contribute to decision-making when we’re at the store, and we shop much faster without Chris asking Toby the same questions that we all know the answer to already. But to Chris, he’s at the point where he’s made the decision. It will happen. He’s uncompromising, and he’s stubborn as a bull at times. There’s nothing I could say to make him change his mind, and that’s alright. I’m willing to agree to disagree. I might not agree with what Chris believes should happen with Toby going shopping, but I can see that any further arguing will only make things worse so I decide to remove myself from the conversation, and get a cup of water. When I get back, my head’s already level again, and I’m not upset anymore. I sit and watch him play some more on the T.V. and remember that I have some WoW auctions that would be expired this evening and tell him I’m going to go upstairs and play WoW.
This is where I’m different from a lot of people, I think, when it comes to anger. Like I said, that agitation is gone by now. I’m not thinking about it, because it’s not going to do anything, so there’s no point in mulling over it right now. Maybe later, when I’m in bed and bored, or upstairs and decide to make a blog post about it. But Chris, Chris is still thinking about it. He gives a curt agreement, and shuts the PlayStation off without saving; something he would never do normally. I try to give him some space, and head upstairs.
As I’m booting WoW up, I get a notification that I got a gift from Blizzard, and it says I got a copy of Destiny 2 from some anniversary thing. The point, is that I know Chris and Toby love Destiny 2, so I go to tell Chris the cool news. I see him walk past the door with his beanie on, and a jacket. It’s easy to know he’s going out. So, I confirm my suspicion by asking if he’s going out, and he says yea, and my nosiness gets the better of me and I ask where and he says to the grocery store.
This is where I sigh, because I know he didn’t want to go out tonight to go shopping, and he’s purposely not mentioned it to me when he passed me. So, that gives me two clues into his mindset. He’s not going because he wants to, and I’m the contributing factor. Obviously, I offer to go with him, and he’s unwilling to give any hint of letting me go with him, so I know he’s in a temper-tantrum mode. Again, I know there’s nothing I can do to talk him down, I just have to let him have it. So, I say to please drive safe, and watch him leave.
Like I said, I’m not upset anymore, I’m in reflection mode right now. I know where I stood, and I know where Chris stands. I also know where Toby stands, and Toby feels more strongly about what I tried getting across earlier. The only difference, is that Toby will be much more confrontational about it, and Chris will get much more passive aggressive in retaliation. It’s never fun playing mediator, and I’m not looking forward to when this all blows up between them. I said my peace tonight, and whether Chris remembers where I stand or not is up to him. I’m not going to constantly remind him, because that’s not going to help anyone. All I can do is roll over the words that were said in my mind, and learn from the conversation going forward.
At the very least, there is some light at the end of all of this. We’ll have groceries tonight.
Hannah-radical 